Worst Songs of the 80s

So our company recently held a contest in which employees were encouraged to pick the 10 absolute worst songs of the 80s. I submitted my list this afternoon, and reprint it here for posterity.

In descending order of suckitude, my picks for the worst songs of the 80s are:

1. We Are the World – USA for Africa: Not just a horrible pop song, but also the beginning of the trend of saving the world through crass consumerism. “Spend $20 on this crappy album and we’ll give $1.00 to starving kids in Africa!” Call me crazy, but I’d bet that the starving kids in Africa would much prefer you sent them the $20. Or, you know, buy $20 worth of food and send it to them. Easily the worst song of the 80s with triple extra bonus points for being the grandfather of all those stupid yellow ribbons and rubber bracelets.

2. I Just Called to Say I Love You – Stevie Wonder: Billboard #1 Hit, Winner of the Oscar for Best Song (it was originally written for the soundtrack to the Gene Wilder comedy “The Woman in Red.”), and a big steaming pile of complete and utter “Hallmark Hall of Fame” treacle-sweet tripe. I can think of only one song by Mr. Wonder that was worse than this: the “Huxtable Sample Jam” (aka “Jammin’ on the One”) from his guest shot on The Cosby Show. Please, Stevie, you wrote Superstition, you wrote Higher Ground, did you really need that check from Cos, or did you owe him a favor?

3. Working for the Weekend – Loverboy: “You want a piece of my heart / you better start from the start.” Wow, Loverboy, that’s deep. Loverboy is a Canadian band, and when I consider that the CBC’s Canadian Content Regulations would have forced countless rockers in the Great White North to endure this song on high rotation, I am grateful to have lived out the 80s in the USA.

4. Africa – Toto: I don’t know which irks me more, this song’s limp, whiny melody, or its clunky pretentious lyrics. “I know that I must do what’s right / sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” CLUN-KY! Hey Toto, you go right ahead and bless the rains down in Africa, I won’t stop you. Hey, here’s $20, take a couple of those starving kids out for a burger while you’re there.

5. Heartbeat – Don Johnson: This one seems to lean dangerously close to novelty-song territory, until you remember that DJ really and truly believed that he had a chance as a pop star. Must’ve been all that time with Phil Collins and Glen Frey on the Miami Vice set. A poor song sung by a poor singer, but at least it wasn’t a duet with Phillip Michael Thomas.

6. Dancing in the Streets – Mick Jagger & David Bowie: Ah, what better way to celebrate the influence of black music on modern rock and roll than to let two pasty British guys completely muck up a Martha and the Vandellas hit? Double-secret bonus embarrassment points for the music video, which featured multiple shots of Mssrs. Bowie and Jagger’s leather-wrapped fannies, and at least one shot of the two of them coming perilously close to tongue-kissing each other.

7. Mr. Roboto – Styx: Concept albums are always tricky, as proved by Dennis DeYoung’s rock-opera Kilroy Was Here. Although the album did go Platinum and spawned two hit singles (Mr. Roboto and Don’t Let it End) members of the band later admitted that they never fully understood what the concept actually was, the tour was a financial disaster, and Mr. Roboto became a joke well before the decade ended. An embarrassing and pretentious misstep by the band who previously gave us gems like The Grand Illusion, and Angry Young Man.

8. We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel: Hey Billy, REM already recorded this song back in 1987. They called it, It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and it was a whole lot better. I read that Billy wrote We Didn’t Start the Fire because of his interest in history and a desire to be a history teacher. Interestingly, the amount of time most high school history teachers today are given to cover the 20th century makes a three-minute pop song the ideal lecture. Just not this one, please.

9. We Built This City – Starship: Although many critics have picked this for the worst song of the 1980s, I can’t go quite that far. It’s hypocritical crap, for sure; a so-called anti-commercial anthem that, in one critic’s words “reeks of '80s corporate-rock commercialism. It's a real reflection of what practically killed rock music in the '80s.” But it’s still somewhat listen-able and Grace Slick does a fair job on the vocals. The fact that Starship descends from rock royalty Jefferson Airplane may explain why others have been as savage as they have; after all, We Built This City is a long, long way from White Rabbit.

10. My Red Joystick – Lou Reed: Okay, Lou makes the list mostly for personal reasons. Back in 1989 I saw him perform at Merriweather Post Pavillion. About a half-hour into his set we were rocking out to a good mix of his classic hits (Lisa Says, Rock and Roll) and tracks from his then-current album, New York, when Lou threw this clunker at us. Like many of his songs My Red Joystick makes great reading, but it just doesn’t work as rock and roll. Happily, he played Walk on the Wild Side for his encore and we all sang along with the doo-doo-doo’s and went home happy.

Honorable Mentions (songs that were either not quite bad enough to make the top-ten, or such easy targets that I just felt sorry for them) In No Particular Order of Badness:

1. You Dropped a Bomb on Me – Gap Band
2. The Heart of Rock-n-Roll – Huey Lewis and the News
3. Dancing on the Ceiling – Lionel Richie
4. One Night in Bangkok – Murray Head
5. Walk the Dinosaur – Was (Not Was)
6. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car – Billy Ocean
7. Party All the Time – Eddie Murphy
8. Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford
9. This Song’s Just Six Words Long … I mean, Got My Mind Set of You – George Harrison
10. Urgent - Foreigner